Daring To Take Up Space

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Some people may think that taking up space is “selfish”, but in reality, taking up space is a sign of healthy strength and self-confidence. It allows you to be received by others and manifest your gifts. By taking up space, you say, “I am here and will not be ignored.” When interacting with others, practise simply relaxing in their presence. Try to experiment with not doing anything, saying anything, or impressing anyone. You are not asked to advise, be useful, or advise anyone. Even when others are expressing distress, you can practice ‘just’ listening and offering your quiet presence. This will help you gradually realize that your mere existence is sufficient and that ”doing” has its limits. Taking up space” can be benign, beneficial, or toxic. For instance, it is natural for a leader or expert in a group to take up space, so they are heard and respected. At the same time, someone can take up space in a toxic way, such as always dominating conversations, excluding others, acting contemptuously, etc. When people take up more space than is necessary, they communicate that they are superior and that their needs are always more important than others. Suppose you have to strive to prove your worthiness constantly. In that case, it will be challenging for you to be playful, spontaneous, or creative, relax in relationships, and produce original, impactful work.

Many people who have not known how to take up space for years feel empty and lost in their identity. You may think you need to know who you are and feel secure before expressing yourself or socialising. However, if you wait until you are ready, you may never be. There was my craving to be liked – so strong and nervous that never could I open myself friendly to another. The terror of failure in an effort so important made me shrink from trying; besides, there was the standard; for intimacy seemed shameful unless the other could make the perfect reply, in the same language, after the same method, for the same reasons’ -T. E. Lawrence, Seven Pillars of Wisdom Even if it sounds trite, you may want to remind yourself daily, while looking in the mirror, that you are valuable and loved simply because you exist – not because of things you do or produce. Honing the skill of self-awareness is a good start. This means getting to know your feelings, beliefs, habits, and particular emotional triggers and reactions. When you understand your feelings and preferences, you can figure out how to express them in healthy ways. Remember, there are no “bad” feelings. Even often dismissed emotions like anger and sadness have value and serve an essential function.As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”. Charlie Chaplin This feeling that you are only loved for your utility may also cause social anxiety. If you do not believe you can be loved only for who you are, you would feel you must always be doing something not to be rejected and abandoned by the world. This can mean you find it challenging to sit in silence. You would not know how to be helpful when there is no structure or direction. You feel lost and are confronted with the deep emptiness within you. You may describe it as “awkward” or “uncomfortable” when in reality, you might be faced with deeprooted shame feelings from your past— the shame of not being able to do anything useful for your parents, the shame of not being able to save your parents from the abusive partner or the alcoholic spouse, etc. There was no reason to be ashamed; of course, it was never your job to save your parents from their dysfunctions and unhappy lives, but as a child, you assumed those were your responsibilities. It was your way of loving them. Since there was no one to comfort your young soul and let you know it was not your fault, you have internalized the feeling that no matter how much you do, you aren’t good enough. This may mean you must practise talking about yourself and expressing your feelings, even if you start small and only do a little of it. The truth is that people can only feel connected to you if you are occasionally open and able to talk about yourself. As much as possible, trust that other people want to get to know the real you, not a made-up version based on their expectations. Sadly, this means you are more likely to be attracted to someone who controls and dominates you than to someone who truly respects you. For example, you may feel a sense of familiarity when someone makes decisions for you, even if you know that’s not right. In contrast, when someone respects your agency and wants you to make decisions for yourself, you feel anxious and would instead reject these relationships. If your parents are emotionally volatile, violent or abusive, you would have trained your nervous system to be constantly on high alert. You are trained to act solely based on what you see in your parents’ expressions. If you had the impression that your parents wanted you to laugh, you laughed. If you had the impression that your anger inconveniences them, you would suppress it. You would have done everything possible to keep the peace, not stir up conflicts or bring punishment onto yourself. If you carry this conditioning into adulthood, you will not know what to do in an organic relational space. So if you are with someone you cannot ‘read’ or who does not seem to tell you what to do, it would bring you deep anxiety.

Do you find it hard to engage in any self-promotion, even in situations where it is appropriate, like a job interview? The unfortunate, often painful, truth about life is that you can try your best at something and still not succeed. The world at large has this attitude, “What makes you so special that you think you deserve an extraordinary life?”You are allowed to take up space. Own who you are and what you want for yourself. Stop downplaying the things you care about, the hopes you have. Own your passions, your thoughts, your perceptions. Own your fire. Stop putting your worth in the hands of others; stop letting them decide your value. Own saying no, saying yes. Own your mood, your feelings. Own your plans, your path, your success.” I so clearly remember what it was like, being young and always in the grip of some big fat daydream. I wanted to be a writer always, but more than that, I wanted to have an extraordinary life. I’m sure I dreamed it a million different ways, and that plenty of them were ridiculous, but I think the daydreams were training for writing, and I also think they spurred me to pursue my dreams for real. Being authentic means your words reflect who you are, not who you think you should be. This requires you to let go of the worry about how others see you, which can feel uncomfortable. But when you realise that no matter how hard you try, you can never control how others perceive you, you may feel free to follow your heart and express yourself anyway. If you were parentified by vulnerable and needy parents, you might internalize the unconscious belief that you are loved not for who you are but for what you can do for others. This can bring a lifelong struggle for unconditional love and acceptance of yourself. Trusting that you are being loved for who you are entails having faith that others will love and value your inner qualities, such as your personality, character, and what comes from your heart. In contrast, to be loved for what you do is to feel or believe that others want you around solely because of what you do or have accomplished, your social standing, and what you can do for them.

Do you always try to shift the focus onto others when you are in a conversation or a group, to try and not talk about yourself? PDF is the most common eBook file format and it gives you lots of options to customize the reading experience. You can set the PDF file size, color, or highlight the important text. On the other hand, ePub is also an impressive eBook reader that has its own benefits and advantages. Apart, from this, we also upload eBooks in Mobi or djvu formats. These are also popular eBook formats and many users like them. You can request us if you need a book in specific eBook formats. Details about Daring To Take Up Space by Daniell Koepke I want to talk about creating your life. There’s a quote I love, from the poet Mary Oliver, that goes: Try not to think of this as an egotistical act. Instead, think of your expression as a contribution. When you speak up, you share your thoughts and open up opportunities for others to share theirs. Afterall, even if only one person benefits from what you say, it would be worth bringing it out into the world.One reason parents silence gifted children is to protect their siblings. This can happen in various ways but often includes the idea that the gifted child must not stand out or be arrogant. As a result, the gifted child is not allowed to participate in more challenging work or activities, not praised for their accomplishments, or even hidden from other family members.

People unable to take up space often experience heightened social anxiety because they find unstructured situations intimidating. When there is no clear objective or rules to a situation, they would not know what to say or do, and if they do not know how to please the other person, they would feel lost. Taking up space is a birthright and something we innately know how to do, but not everyone feels able to do it. When we take up space in the world, we occupy a physical and psychological territory. Our bodies fill the area, and our presence is felt. For some people, taking up space can be a challenge. They may think they are not worthy of the space they take up or need to minimize their presence. Many people underestimate how traumatizing it is to have emotionally absent and neglectful parents. Abuse can be done by ‘commission’ (something that was done) and by ‘omission’ (something not done). The fact that what needed to happen – love, attention, modelling emotional communication – did not happen could have deeply wounded you. They hardly asked how you were and made you feel like you were an inconvenience. If you had felt like a burden to others in life, it would have been difficult for you to take up your rightful space now. Personally, I think the passion for an extraordinary life, and the courage to pursue it, is what makes us special. And I don’t even think of it as an “extraordinary life” anymore so much as simple happiness. It’s rarer than it should be, and I believe it comes from creating a life that fits you perfectly, not taking what’s already there, but making your own from scratch.

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Another type of wound that can cause someone to lose the ability to take up space is ‘ gifted trauma’. This happens a lot to exceptionally intelligent, intuitive and intense children. These children often possess wisdom beyond their years and naturally shine with their creativity, perceptiveness, and deep empathy. They usually do not recognize this, but they stand out among their peers. However, others often perceive them as a threat, leading to jealousy and resentment. When a parent is emotionally volatile, they naturally take up all the emotional space at home. On the outside, they may be charming and sociable, but their colourful personality and exciting life come at a cost for their children. They constantly have some kind of big ups or downs, drama or intense conflicts that demands attention, leaving no room for a child to express their needs. When someone cannot take up space and talk about themselves, they sacrifice their ability to relate to others. Because they cannot talk about themselves or express negative emotions, it is difficult for others to get to know them in an authentic way. The inability to take up space is why many trauma survivors feel alone in life. Even when surrounded by people, they feel unseen, unheard, as if they are all alone. In other words, they are shutting the doorway to genuine intimacy by not taking up space.